The Art Of Forgiveness

 Writing this has been on my mind for a while now, because of something I found a few weeks ago.  My kitchen counter wisdom (my laptop typically resides on my kitchen counter) comes to you today via a small, green scrap of paper that's been tucked away in my Bible for years.  On it is a prescription for repairing broken relationships.  Who doesn't have one of these?!  It's entitled "The Process of Forgiveness."  And while it seemingly doesn't have much to do with art, if you look deeper, it really does.  Turns out, forgiveness is not just a "do it once and it's over" proposition.  It's something that requires time, thoughtfulness, finesse, and an unusual amount of effort.  It's a three step program that is complicated by the fact that some of the steps require the cooperation of more than one party.

Step 1 is the actual act of forgiveness.  This is a unilateral step, which means that it only takes one person to forgive.  So, this means that you alone are responsible for forgiving or accepting forgiveness.  This is the easy part...right?  You forgive, you forget, everything is rosy.  But, what about the next time you think of the hurtful incident?  What about that negative feeling of resentment that creeps back in, just when you thought you'd mastered it?  And, hey, what if you just don't get those warm, fuzzy forgiveness feelings?  You know the saying, "what comes around, goes around?"  My reference book on forgiveness says the same:  "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." Mt 6:14-15

Like the any skill or craft, forgiveness must be practiced to be perfected.  The great writer, C.S. Lewis, says this:  "There is no use in talking as if forgiveness were easy.  We all know the old joke, "You've given up smoking once; I've given it up a dozen times."  In the same way I could say of a certain man, "Have I forgiven him for what he did that day?  I've forgiven him more times that I can count." For we find that the work of forgiveness has to be done over and over again."

Step 2 is reconciliation and is bilateral...meaning, it goes both ways.  It involves repentance, restitution and change.  Both parties must be sorry, try to remedy the situation and make a change in behavior.  So, here's where it gets a little tricky because one party cannot necessarily make the other party do any of these things.  You can do it on your side, but you'll be dancing alone!

Again, C.S. Lewis (such a smart man!):  "Forgiveness needs to be accepted as well as offered if it is to be complete:  and a man who admits no guilt can accept no forgiveness."

It's hard to forgive someone who isn't sorry and it's hard to reconcile with someone who won't accept an apology.  And, it doesn't count to just say "I'm sorry you feel that way."  This is a faux- fession...a head fake kind of thing...a mock "my bad."

 

Step 3 is another bilateral action:  restoration.  If forgiveness and reconciliation are the "kiss,"  restoration is the "make up."  This is the new beginning and renewal of trust...the part where the relationship truly begins to be healed.  You can see why step three takes both parties.

Any number of things can get in the way of the three step program...pride, anger, emotion...human nature.  The process can partially or totally break down at any given moment.  That's why it's not easy.  That's why it's something that has to be worked at...every day.  It's something that's made much easier if we rely on the example of the One who was an expert on forgiveness and the perfect example, and if we strive to be imitators of God.

That's all for this installment of kitchen counter wisdom.  I hope my little slip of paper has helped you as much as it helped me!  Practice, practice, practice...

Comments

[Jill Zaheer]

what a wonderfully thoughtful presentation through your blog of sentiments of our heart and how to really live by and with them: an internal emotional state plays such a delicate balance in our lives to how we interpret ourselves to be and how we take our own internal stimulus and those from our external world and integrate them. It's never an easy process- but we can take apart the layers and see what are some of the critical components. Then I really think it gets quite simpler. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us, i will reflect on this for a very long time.

[NancyK]

wonderful wisdom on your little slip of paper...I would add that my need to forgive does not depend on the worthiness of the one to be forgiven (their acknowledgement of a wrong committed)...part 2 & 3 may never happen but part 1 keeps me in right standing with God.
Bless You Deryn!

[Dede Warren]

Forgiveness can seem like a fight with oneself sometimes... on one hand we tend to believe we are always right, "how could I be wrong?" And on the other hand we know forgiveness is always the right thing.

All and all (for me) forgiveness is much easier for those who don't hold grudges. I make so many mistakes, how can I hold someone else errors forever against them?

[Wilma Boyd]

Our pastor's message was on this very thing this last week. Very powerful and what a good job you have done, Deryn. Of course, I am always so very proud of you.
Mom

[Leslie M.]

What a wonderful and powerful message here. Thanks.

[Violet @Create Beauty]

Hi Deryn, I love the things you share on your blog. Your jewelry often speaks to me on a deeper level than mere 'adornment' (and I love adorning...) and your words are definately inspired by the One who loves you best. Thank you for sharing from your heart and speaking Truth. It is what will set us free you know : ) ~ Be blessed and keep creating beauty! ~ Violet

[rebecca]

Thank you for sharing the quotes from C.S. Lewis--definitely one of the heroes of my Christian faith. And I am reminded of this quote by Corrie Ten Boom: "Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart". Thanks for sharing your heart.

[Paula]

Deryn ~ this could not have been more appropriate for me at this very moment. I'm just coming off of a visit from my folks ~ those whom I've not had communication with for more years that you'd believe because I am the black sheep, not their daughter and banned from their lives. Two weeks ago they called and said they'd like to come visit......talk about an exercise in forgiveness and faith.

Were you looking over my shoulder this weekend? Thanks, sweetie. This means the world to me.

Big Hug

[jenn desjardins]

Well, have you been a fly on my wall lately! I do believe you have. Thank you for the words you have written. I tend to forgive easily, but I think the other side will hold their anger for a long time.

[Michelle]

Very thought provoking! I really enjoy your posts, I appreciate the reminders that they always seem to have for me. The beauty of your posts that share your work or your finds seem to feed my spirit and your posts about faith feed the soul. Thanks again!

[beatrice]

Thanks for sharing this. Strange how forgiveness or trying to has been on my mind this week.. you must have read my thoughts.
:))

[Stephani Gorman]

Hi Deryn , Thank-you for such a thoughtful post and reminding us all to pursue our faith in God.:) Hugs, Stephani

[Sherry]

Oh wise woman of the kitchen counter wisdom...you speak such heavenly truth!! I'm serious, even if I sound silly.

I agree that the first step, while it may be hard to take the step, is probably the easiest. Having the other person accept that with sincerity (love the faux-fesion expression), and agree to change and meet half way is difficult, sometimes impossible.

Restoration...another difficult part of the journey.

In my case, one forgiveness I needed to give is to my father who has been deceased for 10 years. He can't complete his part of this "pact", but I can still work through all the steps myself. And it is a work in progress, all the time. But with each time? It becomes easier and the times in between stretch out into longer and longer periods of time.

Wonderful post as always Deryn.

[Lance]

Hi Deryn,
I'm coming here today on the recommendation of my friend Erin, from Treasures Found. And it's so good to be here.

Forgiveness, on the surface, seems so one-way. Deep, meaningful, caring, and loving forgiveness - there's so much more to it. To get to a point of fully trusting, to have restored - takes much practice, and care between both parties. Deryn, you've walked through this process so beautifully...giving words to something that is much harder that just saying "I'm sorry", or "I forgive you". Thank you for this today...

[Sharon]

Your words of wisdom speak to my heart. Complicated, yet a simple act of faith, forgiving others allows us to forgive ourselves. But what if the other refuses resposibility? What if the forgiven is toxic and you must stay away from the relationship for preservation of your health and sanity? You can only do so much and sometimes forgiveness is one-sided, but can still work miracles in the heart of the forgiver.

I hope this makes sense.

[mar]

who doesn't need to be reminded of this from time to time
beautiful post!

[Molly Alexander]

How true this is! Something I've learned is that, many times, the act of forgiveness is more for the forgiver than the one being forgiven. It is a cleansing of sorts that can truly set us free.

Thanks for this post, and have a great day!

:-) Molly

[Nancy]

I'm still working on the forgiveness step. I don't have to live with the person who hurt me, so there doesn't have to be any "making up" Right? .Thank the Lord!

[Erin Prais-Hintz]

That is quite possibly one of the most insightful things I have ever read on a blog....or most anywhere!

The act of forgiveness and redemption is central to my faith as well. Knowing that by practicing forgiveness I am being an imitator of God is really powerful. I may fail and others may fail me but if I am secure in the knowledge that I am forgiven than there is no reason that I shouldn't bestow forgiveness on others...and mostly on myself. I think that more than disappointing others is the disappointment we heap on our own shoulders. This is a good lesson to remember and I thank you so much for sharing it with us today.

You never fail to enlighten, encourage and energize me, Deryn!
Enjoy the day!
Erin

[Emanda]

hello Deryn,
This post hit me hard. I am in a situation where the wounded part doesn't even want to speak to me. I will keep praying for forgiveness and guidence. thank you.

Emanda
www.ArtemisiaStudio.blogspot.com

[Angie Platten]

Thanks Deryn, you have no idea how much I needed this.. but HE did. You are a great tool! ;)

[Ronna Sarvas Weltman]

Lovely, Deryn. Universal sentiment for all faiths and persuasions. Thanks.